I am most certain that I am uncertain.
About two years ago, I was leading a small group for women in which we discussed social issues that women face inside and outside of the church. As the facilitator of the group, I wrote essays, and stories to try to clarify to myself, and to the women in my group, the many perspectives there were in discussing a certain topic. One week in particular, I wrote what was, at the time, one of the most convicting things that I had ever written. Recently, while cleaning out files on my computer, I stumbled across it again, and in remembering how proud I was when I wrote it, I read it again.
The way I do personal writing is in no way grammatically correct. I use contractions, I end sentences with prepositions, I lack sentence structure, and my paragraphs are rarely cohesive. I write in this manner to mimic my thought process so that every time I read my writing, it takes me back to the same place that I was when I wrote it.
The second time that I read what I thought was a work of genius, and the second time I was transported through my work to the place where I was when I wrote it, I realized that the author had significantly matured in those two years. If who I am now, met who I was then, we would be in disagreement. While being made aware of the evolution of my beliefs did not completely crumble my foundation, it reminded me how important it is to allow myself to be changed.
I have experienced quite a few changes in the last two years of my life. I lived in two other countries, I experienced some of the most blissful and depressing seasons of my life so far, my group of friends changed completely, I graduated, and my relationship with my family, myself, and God developed tremendously, causing me to feel so differently now.
A weakness in myself that I had never seen was my drive to push a principle to the end with the force of my pride. If I believed that an idea made sense, I would continue to disagree with people, even if during the time of the disagreement, I realized that I was wrong. Now thinking back on it, I can think of many times that I clung to my beliefs, because at the time, retracting them and apologizing was too difficult for my pride to handle. I now see how hurtful that was to the people around me, and to myself.
Through this experience with seeing my beliefs at completely different times in my life, I realize that having complete certainty about something is a dangerous move. I understand the controversy I raise by saying that, as a missionary who represents tenets of a specific religion, but through my experiences I have seen how limiting certainty is. I completely understand why it is something that I, and I'll assume that many others would seek, because certainty brings comfort. Certainty allows me to sit down with my ideas and know that I do not have to look any further or revise what I know to be true.
In being my own Devil's advocate, the question I have for myself is: If there is nothing that I feel 100% certain about, how do I truly believe in anything? Great question, Julia.
My answer is that to me, that is the purpose and the premise of faith; faith in myself, in my world, and in my God. If I have complete certainty, why would I need faith? If I have complete certainty, what would ever cause me to challenge my beliefs, and how could I ever grow? As humans, our behavior and are beliefs about our world are shaped by our experiences. What significance do those experiences have if my certainty does not offer me space to expand how I view my internal and external relationships? Take it for what you may, but I can confidently say that my life has only become more fulfilling as I have developed, but that development would be impossible with certainty.
I do not feel that God, gods, spiritual identity, or any belief should be confined because doing so, especially to those of another person, would be acting on a certainty that one could not possibly have.
Hebrews 11:1 says: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." This verse has been used against me in conversations where this theme has been the topic of discussion. It has never made me retract my feelings, in fact, it gives me more confidence. This verse uses language like confidence, hope, and assurance, not words of certainty. Here, faith is not described as being finite but instead as being something that is open to trials and exploration.
I am completely aware of the contradiction that I have made in being certain in uncertainty but it is in asking myself these same questions and pushing myself out of my comfort zone that my beliefs are made personal and genuine. At the same time, I also know that one day they may change. If this idea makes you uncomfortable, I encourage you to sincerely ask yourself why you believe what you do, may it be spiritual, social, political, or personal. I encourage you and myself, not to scare us, but to help us to confirm, or maybe completely redesign, the certain things that we build our identities upon.
Please know that this process of continuously probing and challenging my beliefs is one that I share with you, even if it can be unsettling. To end I would like to include an excerpt from Mohan-Mālā, a Gandhian rosary:
The way I do personal writing is in no way grammatically correct. I use contractions, I end sentences with prepositions, I lack sentence structure, and my paragraphs are rarely cohesive. I write in this manner to mimic my thought process so that every time I read my writing, it takes me back to the same place that I was when I wrote it.
The second time that I read what I thought was a work of genius, and the second time I was transported through my work to the place where I was when I wrote it, I realized that the author had significantly matured in those two years. If who I am now, met who I was then, we would be in disagreement. While being made aware of the evolution of my beliefs did not completely crumble my foundation, it reminded me how important it is to allow myself to be changed.
I have experienced quite a few changes in the last two years of my life. I lived in two other countries, I experienced some of the most blissful and depressing seasons of my life so far, my group of friends changed completely, I graduated, and my relationship with my family, myself, and God developed tremendously, causing me to feel so differently now.
A weakness in myself that I had never seen was my drive to push a principle to the end with the force of my pride. If I believed that an idea made sense, I would continue to disagree with people, even if during the time of the disagreement, I realized that I was wrong. Now thinking back on it, I can think of many times that I clung to my beliefs, because at the time, retracting them and apologizing was too difficult for my pride to handle. I now see how hurtful that was to the people around me, and to myself.
Through this experience with seeing my beliefs at completely different times in my life, I realize that having complete certainty about something is a dangerous move. I understand the controversy I raise by saying that, as a missionary who represents tenets of a specific religion, but through my experiences I have seen how limiting certainty is. I completely understand why it is something that I, and I'll assume that many others would seek, because certainty brings comfort. Certainty allows me to sit down with my ideas and know that I do not have to look any further or revise what I know to be true.
In being my own Devil's advocate, the question I have for myself is: If there is nothing that I feel 100% certain about, how do I truly believe in anything? Great question, Julia.
My answer is that to me, that is the purpose and the premise of faith; faith in myself, in my world, and in my God. If I have complete certainty, why would I need faith? If I have complete certainty, what would ever cause me to challenge my beliefs, and how could I ever grow? As humans, our behavior and are beliefs about our world are shaped by our experiences. What significance do those experiences have if my certainty does not offer me space to expand how I view my internal and external relationships? Take it for what you may, but I can confidently say that my life has only become more fulfilling as I have developed, but that development would be impossible with certainty.
I do not feel that God, gods, spiritual identity, or any belief should be confined because doing so, especially to those of another person, would be acting on a certainty that one could not possibly have.
Hebrews 11:1 says: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." This verse has been used against me in conversations where this theme has been the topic of discussion. It has never made me retract my feelings, in fact, it gives me more confidence. This verse uses language like confidence, hope, and assurance, not words of certainty. Here, faith is not described as being finite but instead as being something that is open to trials and exploration.
I am completely aware of the contradiction that I have made in being certain in uncertainty but it is in asking myself these same questions and pushing myself out of my comfort zone that my beliefs are made personal and genuine. At the same time, I also know that one day they may change. If this idea makes you uncomfortable, I encourage you to sincerely ask yourself why you believe what you do, may it be spiritual, social, political, or personal. I encourage you and myself, not to scare us, but to help us to confirm, or maybe completely redesign, the certain things that we build our identities upon.
Please know that this process of continuously probing and challenging my beliefs is one that I share with you, even if it can be unsettling. To end I would like to include an excerpt from Mohan-Mālā, a Gandhian rosary:
"I would like to say to the diligent reader of my writings and to others interested in them that I am not at all concerned with appearing to be consistent. In my search after Truth I have discarded many ideas and learnt many new things. Old as I am in age, I have no feeling that I have ceased to grow inwardly or that my growth will stop at the dissolution of the flesh. What I am concerned with is my readiness to obey the call of Truth, my God, from moment to moment, and, therefore, when anybody finds any inconsistency between and two writings of mine, if he still has faith in my sanity, he would do well to choose the later of the two on the same subject."
M. K. GandhiHarijan, 29-4-1933, p. 2
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